40 Questions to Get to Know Your Partner All Over Again

You’re ordering takeout when your partner says, “I don’t really like that place anymore.”

You’ve been ordering from it for three years.

It’s a small discovery, but it raises a fair question: What else have you stopped asking about because you thought you already knew?

Questions to get to know your partner aren’t only for the beginning of a relationship. They’re useful after a move, a new job, a difficult season, or several perfectly ordinary months of getting through the week. This is a chance to catch up with the person you’re sharing your life with.

These 40 questions focus on what’s current: their tastes, routines, friendships, pressures, and plans. Some are light. Others need a little more time. Choose a few that sound like something you’d actually ask.

Start with what’s changed

An old answer can remain accurate for years. It can also become outdated without either person noticing. Start here if you’ve been together a while.

1. What’s something you enjoy now that you wouldn’t have enjoyed when we first met?
2. Have your ideas about a good weekend changed lately?
3. What’s one opinion you’ve reconsidered in the past year?
4. Is there something you keep doing mainly because people expect it of you?
5. What’s a new interest you’d like me to know more about?
6. What have you stopped enjoying that I might still assume you like?
7. What would you like to bring back into your life?
8. What’s something you’re looking forward to that we haven’t talked about?

If an answer surprises you, try “How did that change?” before “Since when?”

The second question can sound like a challenge, particularly if they’re sharing something they’ve only recently admitted to themselves.

Learn about the hours you don’t spend together

You can hear that someone’s day was “fine” without learning much about it. Asking for a particular moment makes a smaller, more answerable request.

1. What part of your day usually takes the most out of you?
2. Who do you most enjoy talking to during the week, and why?
3. What’s a small success you’ve had recently?
4. What task are you tired of having to think about?
5. When during the day do you feel most relaxed?
6. What’s something you wish people understood about your work or responsibilities?
7. Is there anything you’re learning that’s harder than you expected?
8. What do you usually need in the first half hour after you get home?

A partner who asks for a quiet half hour may be trying to recover from a noisy day. Someone who wants to talk immediately may have spent hours working alone.

Neither preference is a rule the other person has to follow without discussion. But knowing the reason gives you a better place to start.

Ask about pleasure without making everything a project

Not every conversation needs to uncover a problem. Knowing what your partner finds funny, comforting, or exciting is valuable in its own right.

1. What’s a meal you’d happily eat twice this week?
2. What kind of music are you reaching for lately?
3. What’s something that made you laugh when I wasn’t there?
4. Where would you go for an afternoon if you didn’t have to make it productive?
5. What’s an inexpensive thing you’d enjoy doing together?
6. Is there a book, show, game, or hobby you wish I’d ask you about?
7. What’s a place nearby you’ve been meaning to try?
8. What would you choose for a date if neither of us could use our usual ideas?

You don’t have to develop matching interests. If your partner loves gardening and you don’t, you can still ask what they’re growing. Interest in their enjoyment doesn’t require taking over the flower beds.

Try following one answer into an actual plan. Let them pick the restaurant, play you a song, or show you the part of their hobby they like best.

Find out what support would be useful now

Offers of help can miss the mark. You might be giving advice to someone who wants company, or saying “just ask” to someone who’s exhausted from keeping track of what needs doing.

1. What’s taking up more of your attention than I realize?
2. Is there a responsibility you’d like us to divide differently?
3. When you talk about a problem, how can I tell whether you want ideas or someone to listen?
4. What have I done recently that made your day easier?
5. Is there something I offer to help with that doesn’t actually help?
6. What would make this coming week less stressful?
7. Who else do you feel comfortable leaning on?
8. What’s one thing you’d like to have more time for?

Be specific when you agree to help. “I’ll handle dinner on Tuesday and Thursday” gives both of you a clearer expectation than “I’ll do more.”

And don’t promise a change simply to end the conversation. If you can’t take on a task, say so and work through another option together.

Check in on the relationship you have today

These questions are for understanding your shared routine. You can ask them during a walk or over breakfast; they don’t require a formal relationship meeting.

1. What part of our routine do you want us to keep?
2. Is there a plan we keep postponing that you still care about?
3. When do you feel we’re most relaxed together?
4. What do you enjoy doing separately that you want to protect time for?
5. What’s one small thing you’d like us to do more often?
6. How would you like us to celebrate your next birthday or milestone?
7. What’s something you’ve appreciated about us lately?
8. What would you like me to ask you more often?

If you’ve recently had a deeper conversation, you might already know some of these answers. Follow up on what was said. “You mentioned wanting more time with your sister—have you thought about a weekend?” shows you remembered without making the conversation a progress report.

Make it a two-way conversation

You can begin simply: “I realized I haven’t asked what you’d actually like to do this weekend. What would you choose?”

Share your answer, too. A conversation where one person keeps asking and the other keeps explaining can start to feel like an assessment.

For a short check-in, each of you could choose one question. If it leads somewhere interesting, stay with it. There’s no need to complete a section, record the answers, or agree on an improvement before moving on with your evening.

The Gottman Institute describes small requests for attention and connection as emotional “bids,” and explains how responding to them can help build trust. A question is one opening for that attention; what you do with the answer matters. Read its explanation of emotional bids.

If they say “I don’t know”

Sometimes people genuinely haven’t considered the question. Sometimes the wording is too broad, or it’s a bad moment.

Offer something more concrete. Instead of “What would make you happy?” ask, “Would you rather have Saturday morning to yourself, or go out for breakfast together?”

You can also leave the question alone. “Think about it if you want. I’d like to hear” is enough.

Don’t treat every short answer as evidence of distance. If trying to talk repeatedly feels one-sided, discuss that pattern directly: “I’d like us to have more time to catch up. Is there a time that works better for you?”

Stay curious without expecting unlimited access

Knowing someone well doesn’t mean knowing every thought they have, reading their private messages, or receiving a full account of every past experience.

Love is respect identifies boundaries, mutual respect, communication, and support as important parts of a healthy relationship. It also emphasizes room for privacy and space. Read more about healthy relationships.

Let an answer be voluntary. If your partner mentions a difficult memory, ask whether they want to say more rather than pushing for details. If the question touches a boundary, respect it.

Use what you learn

Choose one answer you can respond to naturally this week.

Buy the snack they actually like now. Ask about the coworker who made them laugh. Protect the quiet half hour they asked for. Make a modest plan around something they’ve been wanting to try.

You’ll still get things wrong sometimes. You can ask again, listen again, and let your understanding change.

The takeout order was easy to update. The useful part was noticing there was something new to learn.

Join the conversation on LetsLink.app: What’s something you learned about a partner long after you thought you knew them well?

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For a more reflective conversation, explore 35 deep relationship questions. If you’re just starting to date, try 50 questions to ask someone you’re getting to know romantically.